Crazy for Loving You

by kristendom on December 9, 2012

This month, I will be participating yet again in a round of Reverb Broads, a blogging project that my good friend Kassie and I started a year ago. If you’re a blogger (or are thinking of becoming one), please join us! Otherwise, get ready to enjoy some random posts!

Next up, a wee prompt by moi: What has been the single most heartbreaking experience you’ve ever had?

I’m pretty sure when I came up with this prompt, I pictured it as providing a cathartic experience of sorts for the other bloggers. I can be pretty darn sure I had no intention of answering it myself, as I struggled with it a bit tonight thinking about how I was going to write about this and “do no harm” – as that is the main tenet I live by on my blog. But I think I’m finally able to give it a try.

I’ve always lived with a pretty solid suit of armor around my heart. I’m bad at taking risks because I like to protect it. And any time I’ve let down the guard, it’s been with a fair amount of assurance that whoever I was letting in was not going to hurt me, was someone I could trust, was someone who loved me back. In many ways, this is a good reason Sean and I fit so well together – we protect each other’s hearts. And we protect our little boy’s heart – as much as we can at the tender age of six.

That being said, there have been a few times that I’ve made a mistake – that I’ve let in the wrong people. People who I thought loved me back in the same way but didn’t, people who had me convinced, people who let me down. I’m not sure I can even describe how much it hurts to be in that moment, that moment when you suddenly realize that this person doesn’t care about you the way you care about them. That moment of feeling like an absolute idiot, like it’s all your fault, like you’ve been duped.

As if it’s not heartbreaking enough to know the person you love doesn’t love you back, there is the shame and anger. When you are a keeper of your own heart, there are few things more disappointing than letting your heart down by letting in the wrong person. And though in some ways I’ve come to terms with the fact that it’s not my fault, that someone has tricked me or led me to believe they cared, in other cases I’ve never forgiven myself. A hard expectation to live with, and yet one I carry with me.

So no, it’s not one experience, it’s always different. But it’s the same situation, and it’s one I’m learning to forgive of myself. It’s just a long road back.

What has been your most heartbreaking experience?

 

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